Who am I when I enter the classroom?
Relationship before content: Why relationship work in mainstream schools begins with ourselves.
A new school year, a new role: For the past few weeks, I've been working as a school social worker at a state-run grammar school. For me, this is a real change of perspective. My previous work was characterized by progressive educational concepts.
There, an irrefutable principle always applied: Relationship always comes before content. Humanity always comes before function.
Entering the state education system feels oppressive and frightening to me at times. I experience a framework that seems rigid in many parts, characterized by hierarchies, asymmetrical power relations, and a focus on performance, conformity, and rule compliance.
But in the midst of this structure, a central question arises for me every day: How can relationship building and relationship competence succeed within a system of rules?
The answer is as simple as it is challenging: It always starts with us adults.
1. Who am I when I enter the classroom?
We often observe communication in schools that functions almost exclusively through rigid rules and instructions. But rules don't create genuine contact. They demand conformity, but they don't forge connections.
Good teaching and successful learning require that we, as teachers and educators, remain approachable. Do we leave our teaching persona at the door as soon as we enter the school building? Or can we manage to remain responsible while simultaneously being genuine and authentic?
Being authentic doesn't mean overwhelming the class with your private life. It means taking responsibility for your own well-being.
What true authenticity looks like in everyday life:
Imagine a teacher enters the room, feels their own stress, and says quite openly to the class:
"To be honest, I'm very stressed and in a bad mood today. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it's not your job as a class to compensate for it. If I react a bit more irritably today, that's my own fault. Please give me feedback if I'm being unfair."
What is happening at this moment?
Relief for the children: Children are very perceptive. When adults are stressed, children almost always take it personally. This statement relieves them of the burden of blame.
Role model for self-responsibility: The adult shows: “My feelings belong to me. I don’t project them onto you.”
Security through orientation: Where there is transparency, a space for relationships is created.
2. Challenging children or a challenged system?
In mainstream schools, deviant behavior is quickly labeled as a "disruption" or "challenge." We then try to correct the behavior through sanctions or even more rules in order to "make the children fit in."
But what if we reverse the perspective?
Children are rarely challenging without reason; they are usually challenged by the system.
When children and teenagers rebel, clash with others, or refuse to cooperate in their daily school life, they often don't do so out of malice. They are fighting for their personal integrity within a rigid system. They sense that their boundaries are not being respected and are desperately trying to maintain their own sense of self.
If we only discipline these children through power and hierarchy, we overlook the personality behind it. We overlook the baggage they bring from home, their worries, their dreams, and their current needs.
3. Equality as the key to genuine learning success
We learn best with and from people we like. People who listen to us, take us seriously, and treat us as equals.
Equality does not mean that teachers and students have the same role or the same responsibility. The responsibility for the quality of the relationship always lies 100% with the adults. However, equality does mean that the feelings, boundaries, and dignity of the child are just as important as those of the adult.
Conclusion: The courage to be human
A system that has been structured the same way for decades doesn't change overnight. And of course, there are also wonderful teachers in the state system who do their best every day to establish genuine connections.
The key to change lies in daily self-reflection:
Can I still feel myself and my body when stress levels rise?
What personal themes and patterns do I bring into the room?
Do I have the courage to show myself as a human being before I slip into my role?
Relationship building is not a bonus you do when you have time to spare.
Building relationships is a prerequisite for learning to take place at all.
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