Have you yelled at your child today?

A plea for dealing honestly with anger

Caught in the act? Perhaps this is exactly the right moment to pause. Not to judge yourself, but to take the opportunity to curiously examine your own behavior.

The traces of our origins

We all carry experiences from our own families of origin. In many homes, anger was taboo – and you simply weren't allowed to be angry. If you weren't supported in your anger as a child, you often lack strategies today when frustration boils over.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself next time:

• Where do you feel the frustration physically? Does your throat tighten? Do your fists clench?

• How do you feel afterwards? Often we are shocked or deeply ashamed because there's one thing we never wanted to become: just like our parents.

Your angry side: An (uninvited) protector

Take the opportunity to get to know your angry and frustrated side. What is it trying to tell you? What might it be protecting you from? Often, these emotions and old beliefs are so deeply ingrained in our bodies and minds that they control us. But they can be rediscovered, viewed with appreciation, and repositioned for the benefit of yourself, your children, and your family.

Jesper Juul's perspective: Anger as a signal

Family therapist Jesper Juul viewed aggression and anger not as parenting mistakes, but as important signals. His core messages help us to relieve the pressure:

1. Aggression as an expression of love: Anger often arises when we feel unvalued or unseen in our closest relationships. It is a (albeit loud) attempt to re-establish contact.

2. Authenticity instead of perfection: Children don't need perfect parents who hide their feelings behind a mask. They need real people.

3. Taking responsibility: If we explode, the responsibility lies 100% with us adults. It wasn't the child who "made" us do it, but rather we who failed to communicate our boundaries in time.

Forgiveness instead of perfectionism

In this moment after the scream, one thing is particularly important: Treat yourself with kindness. We are human beings, not machines. Your child doesn't need perfect parents, but an authentic role model. By accepting your anger and taking responsibility for it, you teach your child how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.

Building the bridge: The conversation after the storm Go to your child. Re-establish contact. As an adult, you are responsible for the quality of your relationship. A conversation on equal terms can bring so much healing.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you today. I really regret it. I couldn't handle it any differently at that moment, even though I know I can."

Growing together

Dare to reflect on the situation together with your child once things have calmed down:

• "What could we have done differently today?"

• "What would you have needed? And what would I have needed to prevent things from getting this far?"

  
  

By asking these questions, you break old patterns. You show that feelings are allowed to exist and that mistakes can be repaired.

This is the foundation for a new, healthy family culture.

You are allowed to be angry. And you are allowed to learn new ways of dealing with it.