Personal Language- more than just I-messages

When it comes to personal language, many people immediately think of the well-known “I-messages.”

We often hear: “Formulate in I-statements:

I want …, I wish …, I would like …” – and yes, that has its value.

But personal language is so much more than this simple method.

Especially in relationships – whether in partnerships, friendships, at work, or with children – we need personal language in order to truly connect with one another.

Personal language helps us share our feelings, thoughts, values, and emotions. It allows us to express ourselves authentically, to show what is really happening inside us.

It is also an expression of integrity: I can stand by myself, share my inner truth, and at the same time remain grounded in myself without hurting the other person’s feelings.

A beautiful image for this is the idea of one’s own carpet: each person stands on their own carpet, and no one is allowed to step on it – not partners, children, or colleagues. In the same way, I do not have the right to step onto someone else’s carpet.

If I “stay on my carpet,” I can share my thoughts and feelings without becoming intrusive.

This makes me visible and present in the dialogue, and it gives the other person the opportunity to respond honestly and personally.

The family therapist Jesper Juul particularly emphasized the importance of personal language. For him, it was a key to relationships of equal dignity – encounters on equal footing, in which children and adults share the same rights to respect.

A classic example from Juul:

• Instead of: “You’re always so loud!”

• Better: “I notice that it’s hard for me to concentrate when there’s so much noise.”

Here it becomes clear: I am speaking about my perception and my limits, not about the child’s character or behavior.

Another Juul example:

• Instead of: “You are rude!”

• Better: “I feel hurt when you speak to me like that.”

In this way, the responsibility remains with the speaker without demeaning the child.

Juul repeatedly emphasized: children have a right to our authenticity.

Personal language is therefore not a pedagogical tool, but an inner attitude that strengthens relationships.

Personal language is especially important wherever relationships are lived:

• in school

• in daycare

• in partnerships and marriages

• with one’s own children

Children, by the way, are the best role models: they say clearly and directly what they want or do not want. “I don’t want that.” – “I am sad.” – “I am hungry.”

Their integrity is still intact; they stand up for themselves. Unfortunately, children often unlearn this over the years, because honesty is sometimes perceived as “cheeky” or “demanding.”

That makes it all the more important for us adults to take this quality seriously and encourage it. Or, as Juul put it: “Children don’t need perfect parents. They need authentic parents.”

It’s not about sharing private stories – for example, telling what I did over the weekend or that I am currently in a relationship crisis.

This was often a concern raised by teachers.

Personal language means something else: How am I here in this moment? How am I feeling inside right now?

For example, I can say to my students:

“This morning I woke up and somehow everything is annoying me. If I am impatient today, it has nothing to do with you – it’s just my own issue right now.”

That way, I remain responsible for my own feelings and contribute to an honest quality of relationship.

Personal language requires mindfulness, attentiveness, and sensitivity.

It means looking closely, listening carefully, and sensing deeply – both within myself and in contact with others.

And that is exactly what makes it so valuable: it changes the way we relate, builds trust, and opens doors to genuine encounters.

Personal language makes visible what is happening inside me, without hurting others. It strengthens relationships – in families, schools, workplaces, and partnerships.

Maybe you’d like to try it yourself: consciously practice using personal language – staying on your own carpet, while still being visible.